she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
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She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
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One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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