Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
