No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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