i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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