The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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