Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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