hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
