I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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