Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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