I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
