Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
