When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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