We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
