You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
