woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
