This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
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I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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