just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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