this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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