It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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