Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
