my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
