Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
