Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
