Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
