Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
