3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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