How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
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The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
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What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life