you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.