My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
