You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
