the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
