If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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