I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
