half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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