My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
