I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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