I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
