you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
