I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
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His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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