He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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