I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
