Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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