i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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