Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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