We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
FUCK WHALES
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