It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
my liver is dry heaving
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
