I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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