My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
