Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
