Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
