the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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