i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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