How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
