Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
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i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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