I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
