You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
