Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
