just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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