Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
