70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
