I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
