I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
